I thought we’d try something different today.

In the wake of upcoming nationwide protests, I’ve brought in a special guest.

This person has asked to remain anonymous because they spend most of their time protesting things that are bad. You may have seen them on the news with other shouty, displeased citizens.

They identify as a “Professional Peaceful Protestor,” but wanted me to emphasize that they are in no way compensated for standing up against injustice, oppression and general awfulness.

They are not on the payroll of the ACLU, the DNC or any LGBTQ LLC.

They do not receive Venmo payments from George Soros. And never once have they received a gift basket of assorted fruits and cheeses with a card that read, “Good work out there today. Keep on keeping on. Love, Antifa.”

They do this because they believe strongly in speaking out for what’s right. Hopefully their hard-earned wisdom and advice will prove useful for any of you headed to the streets this weekend—or a future weekend—as we shuffle closer to a fascist dystopia.

Welcome! Thank you for joining me and thank you for spending so many years as a voice of reason in the fight to defend our democracy.

It’s my pleasure. Glad to be here.

Let’s start with what people should know before they attend a protest. Is it scary? Do they provide snacks?

It depends on the place and time. If you’re sitting in a lawn chair on the side of the road asking people to honk if they agree that Trump is a criminal, it’s not scary.

If you’re joining a march against guns or Nazis in downtown DC on a hot summer day? Things can get a little hairy.

As far as snacks, I usually load up a fanny pack with baby carrots. Maybe a granola bar or some nuts.

Almonds or cashews?

Almonds definitely. Plain or lightly salted. You don’t want anything getting on your fingers in case you need to wipe pepper spray out of your eyes.

Good point. So definitely no Flaming Hot Cheetos.

God no. Flaming Hot Cheetos are the worst. Orange dust and spicy spice? That’s just asking for trouble.

Soup is probably out, right?

You might be able to do a nice gazpacho if you can drink it straight from a lightweight thermos. Once those batons get swinging, it will be near impossible for you to enjoy anything with a spoon.

As far as the chanting, is that organized beforehand? How much of those songs are improvised in the moment?

I usually come ready with a selection of my favorites. But if it’s a large event, there will be plenty of variation and you just go with the flow.

If there are chants with swear words, is it okay to hum during those parts?

I suppose that’s fine.

Like I’m okay with “shit” and “ass,” maybe the f-word, if it’s used in the right context. But definitely not the c-word. I would not be okay shout-singing the c-word. Do you hear a lot of c-words?

More and more lately. But it’s fine. You’re free to sing or not sing. Nobody’s going to judge you.

Speaking of judging, are there prizes for best sign? Most creative outfit?

Not formally. It’s not really about that.

But it kind of is, a little bit right?

What gets me motivated and passionate is raising my voice to let those in power know that the people aren’t happy. My role is to make it clear that corruption and tomfoolery will not stand. I’m there to hold our government to account.

Of course. But if you have a really funny sign, that makes the whole day even better. High-fives from strangers. Lots of laughing and pointing and thumbs up. Going viral on Instagram. That must feel amazing.

It doesn’t happen very often. Again, I’m usually focused on the cause.

Okay, but there has to be a moment at home when you’re making the sign at your kitchen table and you think, OH HELL YEAH. Like you really nailed it with a good pun or a funny illustration and you cannot wait to show it off.

Would I love to hit a homerun like “HONK if you’ve never texted war plans” or “We are all the couch,” or “So fucked up that even introverts are here”? Sure. But sometimes all you have time for is “Trump loves buttholes,” and I’m okay with that.

How should people deal with the police?

Well, first of all, you have to remember that behind the riot shield and under the uniform, these are human beings. They are your friends and neighbors. They have hopes and dreams and families, just like us.

That’s why I like to look them in the eye. Ask their first name. Spark a conversation about sports or what they’re watching these days on Netflix. I do everything I can to be respectful because they are just out here doing their job.

But what if they get physical? I see so many times when the stress of the moment sparks officers to unleash unnecessary force.

If you get assaulted by a cop, the best thing to do is hit the ground. Pretend you’re really hurt. Scream and wail, make a big show of it. Then when they reach down to pick you up, grab the taser off their belt and jam it into their crotch. Hold the trigger until you see smoke.

That seems excessive.

It definitely is.

Does that move have a name?

Not really.

Do you want one?

Not really.

Sack Attack. Do you want a better one?

Probably not.

Ball-B-Q.

Gross.

Microwaved Eggs.

No.

Because they explode in the microwave. Raw eggs. It’s just a hot mess.

I get it. Please stop.

Thank you for your time.

You’re not welcome. This was a terrible mistake.

Episode #159 Playlist

1. “Robbery” - Billions

I’m not trying to get anyone in trouble here, but if you name your band Billions and have a song called “Robbery,” it sounds like somebody has crime on their mind. My advice is DON’T DO IT. Stealing that much money will put a target on your back for the rest of your life. You can run, but hiding isn’t going to work. They will find you. And when they do? Oh man, you’ll wish you’d listened to me.

2. “Daylight” - Twelve Point Buck

Daylight. I’ve heard of that. It’s the stuff that happens outside of the window in my office. It’s the stuff that helps plants grow and the stuff that lets me know it’s time to get up and log in to work. It’s the stuff that gives people skin cancer but also triggers the body’s production of Vitamin D! Daylight can make or break a picnic! In concentrated form it can vaporize an ant! What an amazing invention!

3. “Sabotage (Alex Metric Lance Herbstrong Edit)” - Lance Herbstrong

This song rips. It slays. It barrels through my brain like the bad guy convoy from Mad Max: Fury Road. When I hear it, I want to take over the universe and/or drive really fast on the back roads to Lowe’s. Why are we going BACK to Lowe’s? Because we need more dirt. MORE dirt? Yes, MORE DIRT.

4. “Wise Beyond Words” - Hendrix Frankenreiter

How can you tell if someone is wise beyond words? Do they draw really smart pictures? Sculpt profound little statues that help explain the mysteries of the universe? I mean, if you’re just sitting there looking smart, how do we know you’re not just a dumb person faking it? That’s why I believe that in order to be truly wise, you need words. Lots of them. Big ones especially.

5. “Sudden Storm” - Ezra Furman

This song paints a powerful picture of mental health, maybe? The storm representing turmoil in the singer’s psyche? Is that right? I’m just guessing here. I’m not a psychiatric professional. I’m just a guy who drinks coffee and types stupid words in random order. What do I know about brains? I know mine hurts whenever you show it math. And it loves to forget to take out the garbage.

Listen here…

Listen on Spotify

Happy Birthday!

“I wouldn’t say that I relax and enjoy anything. But I think my pessimism helps. I never really expect anything good to happen, so when it does, it’s a nice surprise.” - Rivers Cuomo (Born June 13, 1970)

Have fun. Stay safe. Don’t be a jerk.

Sincerely, DJ CrankyPete

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